Crazy Kuririn, Angry Juuhachi-Gou
By KrilinMGG
Well! It had to happen! KURIRIN AND JUUHACHI-GOU! I'll give the credits to the author of Beachcomber!

Oh no.

Here he comes.

I wish I could grab a palmtree and shamefully hide behind it but I'm afraid even that wouldn't be enough to conceal my presence from his
faultless powers of perception. A mindless moron he may be, but not a blind one.

Nor a silent one for that matter.

" Oyo, Kuririn!! "

My God, does he have to scream so loud?!? Nearly everyone turns around and stares at the big dolt who's walking towards me - ME - attired in a way that the average Human tourist would not be caught dead in, a horrible neon pink hawaiian shirt on his back, the damnable camera hanging from his neck, an ice cream cone in each hand.

I pretend to ignore him. Maybe he'll go away...Not a chance.

With that ever idiotic, smirk that I sometimes suspect to be pasted on his face, he swoops down on me, oblivious to my silent screams of

" Nee, do you want an ice cream? "

Something was bound to snap.

" Trunks, you _______ "

Calm down.
You can't possibly make a moron smarter by yelling at him. Or beating him up, even if the urge to do so is literally burning your fingers. And besides, I did promise to Juuhachi-Gou. It's her first " vacation " in her life and I won't have it spoiled because of a rich baka whose
intentions, however good they may be, never fail to drive me insane. So, I bite my tongue and numbly take the cone that is offered to me.


Say what? El Tihuraca____

" It's El Tihuacanejo, Dad. "

Yes, Marron. Whatever. She's just taken one sorry little semester of Spanish and she already thinks she knows it all...Well, me too can hablar espano problemo. Let's see...Bienvenidos! Aqu?es el para.Right.

I don't know if it's just me, but frankly, there's nothing heavenly about a garish four star hotel that suffers from tourist indigestion...This isn't quite what I had in mind when Juu told me that she wanted to * get away * for a few days. I would have been fine alone with her and
even with Marron on some deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

But nooo, she had to trick me into leaving a little porno island - where at least I had some space - for an equally little porno village -
where there's not even a broom closet for me to sneak in. Of course, that alone was simply not perverse enough, she also had to
invite Goten and Trunks' entire family along!

Juu, Chichi and Bulma are leaning on the counter, still debating over the room arrangement. The receptionist looks pretty lost. Somehow, my
sympathy goes out to him. What am I hearing...? No, I refuse to sleep on the same floor than Trunks... Adjacent rooms?!? NOOOOO! Juu! Stop it!!! Please... My telepathic distress signals go unnoticed (what's new). I'll soon find out that they were plotting against me from the
beginning. I think it's all a conspiracy. That, or an incredibly bad dream. I'm hopefully going to wake up.

Someone bumps into me.

My first reaction is to grab the guy's throat, but I suddenly remember that this is the best way to send Juuhachi-Gou screaming to kill the guy once and for all, and show my friends the real temper of my wife. On the other hand, I'd have a very good reason to leave...

" Humpflpl..."

Huh? Oops. Poor guy is turning blue. Maybe I should let go of him.

" Err, sorry about that..."

What am I making excuses for now???

However, the guy - figure yourself a scrawny, sallowish little creature sporting three inch thick glasses and an even tackier shirt than
Trunks' (if such a thing were possible) - is still half sprawled at my feet, coughing - and possibly slobbering all over my shoes.

" Mraak...chlump...chewing...glum...gum..."

Oops again. I made him swallow his gum, and he's choking to death. Maybe I should do something. I carefully glance over at the counter. Juu,
Bulma and Chichi are still busy tormenting the unfortunate receptionist who looks more confused by the minute.

Good. She hasn't seen anything yet.

I give a slight tap on the guy's back, causing him to crash down on the tiled floor. An instant later, he's back on his feet and staring at me
with such an intensity that his eyes are threatening to pop out of his
" Thank you " he blurts out with a tone of utter gratitude.
" What the hell are you thanking me for ? "
" You saved my life ! " he says, as a smile - unless I'm mistaking his lopsided face-distorting grimace for a smile - spreads on his lips.
" I nearly strangled you..."
" Oh, I get that a lot ! " he continues, while what I assume to be his smile spreads even wider across his face.

I'm sure you do !....Maybe I should have killed him when I still had the chance. Juu has expressly asked me to harm people. But I told her
that we could get in trouble. Wouldn't I be doing the world an awfully big favor if I thrashed an idiot or two? I think she was right. Moreover, I have a very bad feeling about this moron...

" Hey, by the way, my name is Hasbert, but you can call me Hasby! "

This is strange. My lips are moving, sounds are coming out of it...yet I have no control over them.

" Kuririn. I'm Kuririn. "

Upon my saying this, he grabs my hand and shakes it. I'm half expecting to see my arm fall off. He's pretty strong for a weakling.

" Wow, what an interesting name ! I'm so glad to meet you ! "

Danger alert ! Danger alert !

" And I'm really really sorry about bumping into you ! I can be such a yoyo sometimes ! "

Well, sorry if I can't rush to disagree...

Hasbert looks at his watch. " Oh, I gotta run ! I have my first scuba diving class at two ! Boy, this is so exciting ! "

And you know what ? I couldn't care less ! But I'm really really happy to see you leave ! For a moment I actually feared he'd go further into this buddy/bonding thing...
But as he walks away, he turns around and hollers ( and I thought Trunks was loud...) : " You're such a cool guy ! See you later, okay ? "

Hell has never seemed so inviting.

Lie down and relax.



Relax ?!? How on Earth am I supposed to relax in the middle of all that noise ? One more minute on this beach from hell and I swear, I'll start
running around in a frenzy and eventually end up killing someone... Preferably Trunks

Ok, one more time. Lie down and relax. Lie down and relax. Lie down and relax...


Now what ? I was almost getting there...

"Hmm ?"

"Who was that ? "

Uh oh.

"Who was who ...?"

"You know, the guy you made friends with when Chichi-san, Bulma-san and me were talking to the receptionist .... "

I knew it. I should've strangled him. This is what I get for not doing what she says.

"No idea who you're referring to."

Ugh. Fairly unconvincing.

"Well, you should remember, you shook his hand !"

I did...I did what ? Excuse me for not recalling it the same way, but he ran into me. He dared to address me. He polluted the air I breathed and violated the space I peacefully dwelled in. And he most certainly was the one who grabbed me like a clingy little crab in need of prey. But the words suddenly slip out.

"Oh, you mean Hasbert ?"

Hello ? Anyone up there ? Brain to Kuririn, brain to Kuririn. Connection terminated.


Why do I have to be so dominated? I'm learning the difficult yet thrilling art of sitting on my ass and do nothing all day long. Believe me,
it's a mind-boggling activity.

"Turn over."
" Doushite?"
"I have to put some sunscreen on you."

No way I'm gonna let you splatter that drippy stuff on me.


Ah, finally. My mouth and my brain seem to be working in sync again. As if it'd really make a difference.

"Don't be such a baby! " Juu insists. "You're gonna get a sunburn!"

"Warriors don't get---"

She rolls me over. I'm protesting loudly now, but apparently, my body has been left out of the mouth/brain equation.

So here I lie, at the mercy of her hands, while the people around us watch impassively as I'm being molested by my own wife. Also, as if it
wasn't just great! All MY friends are HERE watching MY wife molesting ME! And I can SEE how MARRON is GIGGLING at ME!


Stands for Association for the Protection of Powerful Dominated Humans.

I'll work on it as soon as we get home. That is, if I make it through this week in one piece. Juu...Not so hard. I said warrior, not doormat.

"Uncle Kuririn!"

Vegeta's daughter happily drags me by the hand, and I follow her with unquestioning obedience. I've long ago given up on attempting to resist
her, Vegeta did the same.


Look... where?

"It's a sand flower!" Bra says proudly. "We did it all by ourselves!"

My gaze slowly descends upon Pan, who's digging little holes in the sand next to...

Oh my. I believe it's safe for me to say that this is by far the ugliest flower I've ever seen.


Buried up to his chin.

And still smirking.

", it looks very nice."


I suddenly feel hours of frustration and resentment re-emerge. And boy am I glad I just found something to take it out on.


You know what ? I think it's hungry. Flowers don't usually get hungry ? Well, this one is a carnivorous plant. Look at it. See ? It's got teeth
and it's wriggling a little...Pan, go ask your grandmother for a chicken leg. We're gonna feed it. That's right, stuff it in its big mouth... Hey, maybe we should water it. The whole bucket. And maybe another one. Go ahead Bra, soak it well. It's so hot out here, you girls don't want it to dry up and die, now, do you ? By the way, does anyone have some insecticide? Oh, don't worry, your pretty flower isn't sick at all. It's strictly for prevention purposes.
"Oh, Kuririn, look, flying chicken legs..."

I did not mean for it to happen.

It was an accident! I swear on my warrior's honor. Dead, maimed and tortured, at one point in my existence and even now, I have fancied Trunks
to be all these things. But I really did not spray him with insecticide on purpose. My hand slipped. Happens to everyone. And why the hell am I trying to justify myself? Little did I know that just a little sniff would send him reeling as if he'd gulped down ten combos of Vodka + Red Bourbon + Coke + aspirin (a very unhealthy mix, may I add).

Oh well. Let him flit around if he feels like making a fool out of himself. Which, in his case, might not be too difficult to achieve even standing still. I'll just sit there at the bar and have a piàHcolada. With NO ICE, thankyouverymuch.


The Coconut Lounge.

Figure yourself a high-ceilinged room with black walls spotted with hundreds of tiny lightbulbs, and giant fake palm trees sprouting out of
the floor. Figure yourself an extremely crowded room, flooded with clouds of -Cuban?- cigar smoke and waves of mind altering music. I mean, noise. Now figure yourself me, sitting there at the bar, in the middle of the high ceilinged and crowded room, engulfed in the afore mentioned clouds of smoke, my ears ringing with "Rrrrrrico, sssssuave....". Waiting, waiting and waiting, until dust settles on my shoulders. What the hell is taking her so long? I thought she was only supposed to get dressed and then come down. Obviously, I thought wrong again. I'll wait longer then, maybe until my hair turns gray, oh, it's already gray, maybe until it gets white. But by no means will I wait idly. May not be much of a pastime, but during the last few hours, I've acquainted myself with the people around me. Ok, "acquainted" may be too big a word, I'll give you that.
"Eavesdropping on their inane conversations " is more like it.
"Pi?colada, serr."
"Gra..." Wait a second. This glass has got more ice in it than the actual drink itself. Te dije "NO ICE". ¿Qu?palabra en "NO ICE" no


Anyway, most of the people here, I discovered to my greatest chagrin, are guests at the hotel. Newly arrived guests, which means I'll possibly
have to endure them for the rest of my -Juu's- vacation. At my right are David and Mike. Middle aged, fat, bisexuals, they seem to be greedily scanning the room in search of preys. I mean, females AND males of reasonable means and looks.

Huddled at the other end of the bar are four rather scrawny men I've come to call the Chalk Squad. White -pallid seems like a better choice of
words here-, dressed as if they were still back home somewhere in Iceland, it seems like they took the wrong plane and landed in Mexico by mistake. Rumor has it that the Chalk Squad had all their luggage stolen at the airport and are now doomed to walk around in heavy parkas and snow boots.They're shamelessly ogling at David and Mike, whose radar-like eyes stubbornly sweep over everything in the area except their spot. But the Chalk Squad members are presently looking at me with a very displeased expression on their faces, for it appears that the two life-size Rambos are trying to make conversation with me. What can I say? I'm not lucky at all! If a big sign of the Gay's Association wasn't there...

"So, where are you from?" David asks, batting his eyelids. Do I really want to get into this?...Might as well. I'm so bored I think I could start talking to a wall.

"Kame Island, Pacific Ocean."

"How wonderful!" The other fat man screams, hurting my ears. "We went to a tiny island when we were kids!"

"David, darling, don't forget to mention our trip in Africa..."

"Oh, we had the most fabulous trip! No phone, no TV, no car -can you believe it???__"

Um...Might come as a shock to ya, but, yes, I can.

"__For two straight weeks! It was almost like going back to nature!"

Oh yeah? You hunted too??

David suddenly leans forward. He's still furiously batting his eyelashes, which makes me wonder if he doesn't actually have something stuck in his eyes. Who knows, with so much mascara on. And Kami, what kind of a perfume is he wearing? Reek number five?

"And I have got to tell about this one show we saw on our way back in Northern Africa. Moroccan puppets, for five hours straight, all spoken
in Arabic! We didn't understand anything, but it was fa-bu-lous!"

Oh, then I'll just HAVE to tell you about the trip I did some time ago. I went to this place called Namec and I didn't understand anything either because they were ALL speaking Namec. How's that for cultural immersion? I had no shelter, barely any food, all that for a week straight! I even got hunted down, mugged, beaten up and killed! The law of the jungle, nature at its best! Really, it was FA-BU-LOUS.

"And...Ooooh...." David stops dead in his tracks. His eyelashes have ceased all activity and he's wide-eyed, as if he's just seen Madonna just
walk in the building.

"Would you look at her..."Mike whispers, breathless.

Huh? Curious, I turn around, trying to follow the two men's infra-red vision.

Over there, Bulma, who's in an even friendlier mood than usual, is coaxing the Chalk Squad onto the dance-floor. Nope, not the dance-floor.
Bulma has decided to move to the rhythm of the Macarena standing up on a table...

But David and Mike aren't that desperate yet. It's not her they've set their sights on. It's...

"Cuuute face!!"
"Yellow hair!!"


You stay away from my daughter, you fortune hunting, bisexual freaks!! How old is Marron again? Twenty-three? Can I still sue them for child abuse?


"Hey babe!!!" David screams to my daughter. She looks at him puzzled and then whispers something to Juu!

"Look! That woman is hotter that the girl!!!" Mike squeals louder than David.

"Hey babe! Let's go to my room! And maybe you can suck it!"

The next thing I remember, is that I attacked him in front of my wife, like a savage dog defending its female and territory. While I was just beating the bisexual guy, my family, Gokou's family and Vegeta's family were having a blast. Laughing at the poor gay.

"Live him alone!!" A woman... err... David screamed behind me.

I soon got up and kick BOTH gays in their ba-well... you know were!!! I just wanted to see if they still could feel something in there...

My wife stares at me and gives me that look! Ohh she's angry... for what?! I was the one who defended her... and Marron!!!

"Juuha- " I start, but she stops me.

"I don't wanna hear a word from you... Go right now to our room and stay there!" She orders me. I feel strange, she never ordered nothing when

"Bu--!" I start again. She looks at me meaner, which means that she will kick me away from the bar, to our room. I sigh and go to the hotel,
followed by Trunks, of course.


Why do he always have to be around me like a lost child. Well... what the hell does he want?

"WHAT?!" I scream a minute later. He's still right behind me, I hear him sigh and there he goes.

"I know you don't like me... as your daughter's boyfriend... but maybe if you give me a chance..." He says with an innocent voice, which it
doesn't convince me. "I love your daughter, Kuririn... I love her with all my heart..."

"So...?" I say, untouched by his confession.

"I-I-I-I-I want to marry her" He says. I turn around, stare at him, and launch towards him. He begins running away from me; I follow him a few
kilometers, and get tire.

Juuhachi-Gou gets inside the room, and finds me sited at the bed's edge. "What are you doing there, alone in the dark?" She asks.

"Trunks wants to marry Marron, you knew it, right?" I ask her. She nods and I jump off the bed.

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME???!!!" I realize that her eyes are wide opened, and staring at me, like if she just have seen a ghost.

I knew you would react like that!!! You'll have to sleep outside tonight!!! I'm not in a good mood right now!!!" She says.

"In-in a 'good mood'? In a 'good mood'? AND HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK I FEEL NOW? IN A 'GOOD MOOD'? NOOOOO, I... AM... IN... A... VERY BAD...... MOOD!!!!!!!!" I yell. She stares at me amazed, as I keep yelling. And she keeps turning white. And then... a single tear on her cheek makes me shut up.

"She's just twenty-three years old..." My wife sobs, as I stare at her surprised. I slowly take one step at a time to get to her.

"So-sorry.... I-I-I don't want to see you sad, ok?" Then, I can feel something hot on my own cheeks.

"Why are you crying?" She asks, hugging me. And I hug her back.

"Cause I love you... And I'll let Marron alone... with Trunks..."

"Really? Wow! Oh... I almost forgot..." She says happily as she wipes off her tears. "This night... all your friends are going to be singing that stupid hawaiian song that you like... and I was thinking... if you would like to come with me... and we'll sing it together!"

"I don't know if I can sing... but I have the little guitar... I've learned the melody... maybe I can use it... and you dance..." She nods.

At the beach, we're all around the fire. While I'm making noise with the guitar, Juu is dancing, shaking her body side to side. While I watch her, amazed.

Bulma, Chichi, Bra and Pan quickly join her with one smile in each face. Frenetically, the five females, dance and dance... And then, the guys
join the girls. Juu takes away the guitar from my hands and drags me around the beach.

Well, after all, it wasn't so bad. Marron is getting married, Juuhachi-Gou is happy and I'm very happy too...

Finish!!!!!!!! Thanks to Celine for the story line!!!!! 

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